You have no idea how many times I’ve tried to write this piece. I thought it would be a breeze to write about someone who I’ve realized to be my “hero”, but it makes me burst into tears whenever I try to gather my thoughts to write.

So please, excuse the typos if you find any, I had such a hard time writing this, I don\’t think I have it in me to re-read and edit, this is where \”O\”, my kids and my friends will come in and point out things I need to edit, clarifications will be highlighted in pink.

If you\’re not a fan of reading, this won\’t be fun for you.

Also, looking for photos is the next hardest thing to do. Plus, I\’m the first to say, I\’m the ugliest baby I\’ve ever seen.😂

Again, from the top…

When the third Write to Ignite competition was announced and after I’ve read this year’s theme, I thought about a lot of people I wanted to write about, I thought, “How fun would it be if people knew the real person behind this person.”, I was excited as I thought about who I wanted to unmask.

Realizing Who The True Hero In My Life Is

I talked to “O” about my ideas and as I was talking to him, I said to him excitedly, “You’re my subject!”. I was so sure that there was no one else I could unmask the way I could unmask him – my husband, my best friend, my knight in rusty armor, my hero. So I expressed that to him and he simply said, “But I’m not your hero. You were already saved when I found you, you just didn’t know it yet.”. Of course I shut him down and was like, “What the hell are you talking about? Of course you were my hero, literally slayed my dragons and conquered the villain within myself.”, and he was like, “No, Mama Connie saved you, you should reflect about the things she has done for you, dig deep inside yourself, look back and realize the things you should’ve known all along – unmask her, write her a tribute, something she can read before it’s too late.”, and then I burst into tears, because I knew he was right.

Life’s a bitch and then you die.

When I was working for a tiny call center, after college and I wanted to have a career, I wrote for the company’s newsletter and my column was titled “Life’s a bitch and then you die”, and I literally wrote blind items and office gossip.😂 Why? Because life’s a bitch and then you die.😂 That’s a different story for a different post, we’ll revisit that later, but I do have a point and I’ll try to get to it, I promise.

So, getting to my point – Mama Connie, as she is fondly called by “O”, my kids and my maternal 1st cousins, to me she’s just Mama, is my maternal grandmother. When my parents checked out of their marriage, she stepped in to raise my sister and I. She literally paid for everything, without asking both my parents for help because, she’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no one’s help.😂 It was pride, she was a proud woman, back when my parents were fighting over custody of us, my grandparents – my mom’s parents and my dad’s parents – got into a heated argument, I actually remember this time, I was 4 about to be 5, it was when my paternal grandfather asked me to choose between my mom or dad, I chose my dad, so my mom and her parents took my sister home, and they had no choice but to leave me. I don’t even remember how long I stayed there but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t that long cause I didn’t even miss my sister or anything.😂

My Mama has lived such an interesting life, it’s literally teleserye worthy. This is one of the reasons that finally convinced me to write about her. A tribute for my favorite person. Some parts are hard to share because you don’t understand, when I tell you I was an awful teenager, I was an awful teenager. I didn’t do drugs and I definitely wasn’t sexually promiscuous but I was very difficult, we’ll get to that, but just know that I\’m not proud of that phase of my life.

Mama is the eldest out of like a dozen children, I kid you not. Back in the day they just bred like rabbits.😳

Mama was super smart and this is why she was able to finish her studies while working to support herself and then she secured a job at DENR here in Baguio. Now, I was really young so I don’t know what she did but it has something to do with money because she was an accountant of some sort, but her job isn’t the point.😅

The point is this is where she found love, her only love. A love to last her a lifetime, she said to me once, “Fred and I, we didn’t get to spend too much time together, in fact, it was very little time, but it was quality time.”.

So she met my grandfather through a common friend at work, he was a lawyer, or is this a wrong person and I somehow just mixed it up?😅 It doesn’t matter – what matters is they met, okay, they were both working and they had a meet cute. They had a connection, they spent time together, they met each other’s siblings, and then they got married. A couple of years of marriage plus 2 children later, Mama discovered something about Papa that would define how she would raise my sister and I and how I later realized how freaking strong she truly was.

There is no pain quite as painful as that of being betrayed by someone you thought was your life partner. Someone you trusted. It was one thing for a partner to cheat on you, it’s a whole new level when they hide a completely different identity. No, Papa wasn’t married to someone else, he was only married to Mama, BUT, he had 4 children, older than my mom and uncle, with another woman, in a different city. He literally had this whole other family and Mama only found out because of a hunch and a friendly tip. You see, she wasn’t planning on surprising him, she just wanted to see him, to confirm that her suspicions were wrong and that whatever she heard from her sister (I think, but I will confirm this with her and update our Marites hearts), wasn’t true.

She travelled from Baguio to Manila by bus, with my 4 year old Mom and 2 year old uncle, she went to the law office where he said he would be. He was telling the truth about the law office. He just didn’t say that it was out of his home, his home that he shared with another woman who he already had 4 kids with. I can only imagine how her heart broke. I would’ve hurt him physically if I were in that position, but my Mama, being the strong, independent woman that she was, she held her head high and mustered enough courage and grace to be able to talk to my grandfather like a normal person, without raising her voice, without breaking down, without making a scene. I bet the other woman was just as surprised as she was. And I can also sympathize with her pain, how must it have felt like to find out the man you’re living with, didn’t want to marry you even after 4 kids but was so ready to marry this woman he literally just met. Pain for everyone, future baggage for kids involved!😔

And then she made a decision, Mama said, “You stay with her, you have 4 kids together, we only have 2, I can manage my kids.”, she probably cried that night but she probably didn’t tell me that, I mean, I’d have bawled my eyes out, complete with snot if that were me and again, OMG, physically beat them both up.😂 I’m not as gracious as my grandma.

But that didn’t end their marriage, Papa didn’t want their marriage annulled, he was a lawyer so Mama didn’t even try. I guess in her mind, it was sort of a consolation prize, in Spanish, consuelo de bobo – fool’s comfort, she wasn’t the mistress, she was the legal wife. And just like that they were a trio. When my parents broke up, there would be a trio again, but this time it would be me, my sister and Mama.

So she raised my mom and uncle on her own. She would proudly say to me when she’d be telling me stories, “I raised Jet and Jhun by myself with no help from anyone, they finished school and I gave them what they needed and whatever they wanted.”. Later on this would change to, “I raised you and Coy (my sister) without help and you turned out fine!”.😂 See? Proud, she was a proud woman.😁

I have vague memories of my grandfather, like I remember him being present at our (my sister and I) birthdays, he was there when my sister had the mumps, he put the purple vinegar scented medicine on her lumpy throat and he was there when I had chicken pox and he would rub calamine lotion on my sores and he put oven mitts on my hands to prevent me from scratching, a trick he learned because my uncle has a chicken pox scar on his forehead from scratching it, he would give my sister and I authentic white rabbit candy with the edible wrapper and not the fake ones that are hard 😅 and he would give us Hawflakes and we’d pretend it was the body of Christ with our cousins.😂

To me, it seemed like he was always, always just there, I knew that when he left, it was because he was working, I only found out about his other life when I was already a young adult.

I’ll never forget the day Papa died, I mean I forgot the actual date, but I remember the actual events. I was barely 13 and my sister and I shared a room with Mama, we had our own beds, but we haven’t moved into the other rooms in the house just yet. It was the middle of the night and I could hear them talking, this was what happens when Papa comes home, he’d arrive at the wee hours of the morning and they would talk as they drift to sleep, they never woke us cause we were kids. This particular night, I was woken up abruptly by Mama grabbing me by the foot and violently shaking me, yelling at me to go over my uncle’s (Mom’s cousin) house and ask for help. I stood up annoyed and grumbled, “Ugh whhhyyyy?!”, and then I looked at the bed and Papa was convulsing on the bed and he was foaming in the mouth, I saw this and I literally ran next door and banged on my uncle’s door, yelling for help.

Everyone in the compound woke up. Pretty soon an ambulance came, my mom’s cousin stayed with us as Mama went with Papa to the hospital. I didn’t understand what was happening but I knew everyone was panicking. Within a couple of hours, my mom and uncle arrived home and that day my aunt (one of mom and dad’s half siblings) took Papa away on a helicopter to be brought to a better hospital in Manila. My mom and uncle went with them. And once again, it was just me, my sister and Mama.

I was only 13 when this happened, barely 13 because this happened in May I think, because school hasn’t started yet and I know this because we went to his wake in Manila and that was a whole level of drama. Death makes people weird and it can bring out the worst in people. So when Papa was alive, everyone understood their place. Mama is the wife and the other woman is his partner. Mama made it clear that she isn’t after the money, because again, she’s a strong independent woman, she makes her own money. But because Papa has died, everyone has completely different motives. My mom and uncle used to get along with their half siblings, my uncle even lived with one of their half sisters, they’d go on vacations here in Baguio and all that. And then just like that, they were enemies. – So they\’re okay now. \”O\” pointed out that I didn\’t make that clear. They are all okay and they are all friends now. This happened so long ago, like I said, I was a preteen when all these happened, I\’m turning 40 this year!

Because this happened when I was a kid, no one told me what was happening during the time that it was happening, but also, I wasn’t that young not to remember. I remember one instance where my uncle was fuming, literally his face was red and his eyes were bulging and he was so angry the vein in his forehead was throbbing as he yelled that he would have a full page obituary with only the legal family’s names on it, perhaps they were left out of the obituary and that’s why he was so angry because they were made to feel to like they were the other family.

I stayed in the wake with my mom and one of her best friends and her best friend’s daughter the same age as I was, and I heard them talking about how everyone was whispering about in the wake because Mom is obviously her father’s daughter because Papa had a sister who looked exactly like Mom and who had the exact same pink birthmark on their cheek and somehow this was offending to the other woman because my mom felt like they wanted her to leave but my Mom didn’t budge. I didn’t feel at all comfortable at that wake, literally no one talked to us when my mom’s best friend and her daughter left, I remember sleeping on the bench and waking up in my uncle’s car on the way to my uncle’s house where Mama was. Mama never showed up to the wake, she said she didn’t need to because they (Papa and Her) already said their goodbyes.😢

She never really spoke to us about her grief from completely losing Papa, I mean it was a different thing to let him go and be with someone else, death was just so permanent. I never really thought about death to be honest. I was still so young when Papa died and when Mama’s sister died so suddenly, Tita Louh, we were pretty close, it happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to really feel or grasp the situation and then before you know it, the moment has passed. I will get sidelined because Tita Louh was pretty special to me but she’s a different person of interest to talk about on another post, a part 2 of this one perhaps… Anyway…

I guess I didn’t really notice how sad Mama was after losing Papa because now I was a teenager and now I had my own life. I was a selfish, shameless b!tch and I gave her a hard time without realizing it.

I can only imagine what Mama was going through when she found out that my friend’s 14 year old sister ended up pregnant. We were 15 at the time, with this revelation came stricter rules enforced by my uncle and funny enough this is how “O” and I became close.

I’m not going to elaborate on how difficult I was as a teen, partly because it’s such a long story and this isn’t about me and partly because I’m still embarrassed and can’t believe I did all that and for what? Absolutely nothing.😂 But I do need to clarify, I may have been difficult, but I didn’t sleep around. If there’s one thing I learned from my Mama, it’s that you go to hell for premarital sex.😂

Just kidding, she was religious but we never really had “the talk”, I just had this mind set that I will only ever give it away to my husband and I’m glad that in that aspect I remained steadfast.

And then when the dust has settled and you think you’ve raised your kids and their kids and think you’ve overcome so much in your life and you finally allow yourself to relax, life’s like, “I’m here to remind you that I’m a b!tch.”.

At 87, she was diagnosed with Stage 3B cancer. Her cancer is as old as her youngest grandchild, our daughter, “B”. I was pregnant when she was diagnosed and it broke my heart to see her at her weakest. She’s always been so strong and she never asks for help, even to this day, even when she needs it, she’s reluctant to ask for help and I find myself telling her that it’s okay to ask for help, even if you’re a strong, independent woman.

It’s been 5 years and thankfully, she’s still fighting cancer, but last month, she gave me a scare so bad, it makes me emotional just thinking about it. She was telling me about how she sees Papa in her dreams and she just knows that he’s there to “pick her up”.🥺 And then her health deteriorated to the point that she needed to end up in the ER and then for almost 2 weeks her health just kept declining.

I know it’s selfish for me to ask her to keep fighting, to hold on, to tell Papa to hold off on picking her up because I still need her. But I don’t think I’ve learned everything I need to learn yet. I don’t think I’m strong enough to live in a world where I can’t run home to her when “O” and I get into a fight and she knows it, but she doesn’t ask me, she just sits with me in comfortable silence and she just lets me process my thoughts and emotions and when I do vent to her about things I know may absolutely horrify other people and think the worse of me, but not her, she still looks at me like I’m me and giggles and makes me feel my thoughts and my feelings, no matter how “wrong”, are valid.

I\’m not sorry that I had to use my youngest daughter to motivate her to keep fighting. I reminded her that she still wanted to see \”B\” at least dance her first ballet recital. The truth is, \”B\” was supposed to start ballet classes last year, I just kept postponing it because I don\’t want Mama to sort of complete a \”mission\” and then decide she\’s done.

It\’s selfish, but I\’m just not ready.

Regrets and Realizations

I don’t regret being a rebel because I think it made me interesting or how I did things the way I did because if I did things differently, I wouldn’t have the life I have now and my life is imperfect, yes, and it\’s hard but b!tch, it’s mine and I love it.

When “O” and I started dating, she heard all sorts of negative things about him but when they spoke for the first time ever, all she said to him was, “Mahalin mo yung mahal ko”, literally translates to “Love my love”, but I don’t know how to translate it another way.

I have a realization – the reason Mama dislikes my uncle’s wife and my Mom’s partner has nothing to do with them personally but has everything to do with her experiences in life. She dislikes them both because she doesn’t see herself in them, she doesn’t see strength, it’s not that she thinks they’re weak, it’s just that she thinks her children can do and be better. I think Mama admires my Dad now because life humbled him in a way that on some level she empathizes with, but despite that, he stood up and did something about it and the fact that my Dad is not ashamed to do hard work – be a tricycle driver – to provide for himself and take care of his mother, that earned him Mama’s respect, I can see it in her eyes when we talk about my Dad.

My only regret – I wish I could take it back – is when I was a teenager and I wasn’t able to get what I want, I’d lash out and I would tell her that I wished she would die. I didn’t mean it, I was just young and stupid. That’s my greatest regret and I have to live with that everyday and it doesn’t get easier, my heart still hurts when I think of how I’ve hurt her.🫣

I didn\’t grow up in a household where \”I love You\” was said all the time, I think this is why with my kids, I made it a point to say it to them whenever I felt like it, and only 2 of my children are comfortable with it; \”C\” grunts and acknowledges but shudders at the thought of having to say it.😂 \”L\” says it like it\’s the most natural thing you say to someone like \”ingat\” but he means it and only does it to us, his parents. \”B\” says it to us at the most unexpected of times, like out of nowhere, she could be pooping and she\’d be like \”Mommy or Daddy (whoever is near), I love you.\”.😂

Now, I make it a point to end every phone call with the people who matter. to me with \”Love you.\”.

My Hero, Unmasked

So “O” was right, I was already saved by the time he found me. Without her even realizing she was doing it.

She saved me by just loving me. I\’ve realized early on that I\’m valuable, I knew my worth and that\’s what prevented me from making irrepairable mistakes. It prevented me from seeking out love from the wrong kind of people because I know what love is from watching how he loved Papa and what it feels to be loved based on how they loved each other, it\’s like even though they were apart for years at a time, it\’s like no time has passed between them when they reunite.

A love like that exists and I think that\’s why I was drawn to \”O\”, I knew we could love each other like that, although I wouldn\’t be so forgiving.

Mama turns 91 in September, please include her in your prayers.💛

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This story is an entry to COMCO Mundo’s “UNMASKED: The COMCO Mundo Write to Ignite Season 3”.  The initiative aims to pull and collate powerful stories from the Philippine blogging communities. “UNMASKED” aims to explore how each mask is a person brimming with hope and wonders to share with others, as well as why it is important to tell their inspiring journeys in life. The “Write to Ignite” Season 3 is made possible by COMCO Mundo League of Enterprises, with airasia, Babyflo, PHILUSA Corporation, Century Tuna, Licealiz, Lamoiyan Corporation, Rémy Martin, and Uratex Monoblock as brand partners.